Seinfeld Quotes

Below You will find some memorable quotes from the show. It is hard to pick favourites, that is why the order is random.

Kramer:
"I was never able to become a banker."
The Ticket
Newman:
"Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker."
The Ticket
Jerry:
"What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?"
The Ex-Girlfriend
Jerry:
"Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once-a-week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you like the way they did with the elephant man. That's what I'm talking about, because that's the only way you're going to get better."
The Pitch
Jerry:
"What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room."
The Stranded
George:
"Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed."
The Heart Attack
Jerry:
"Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body."
The Heart Attack
Elaine:
"What is with all these books?"
George:
"I stopped having sex."
The Abstinence
Kramer:
"My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!"
Jerry:
"It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in seventy-two hours. What did you expect?"
Kramer:
"Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face."
Jerry:
"And your teeth, your teeth are all brown."
Kramer:
"Look away, I'm hideous."
The Abstinence
George:
"You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!"
The Deal
Elaine:
"Who are you, my uncle?"
The Deal
Elaine:
"So, what you are saying is that ninety to ninety-five percent of the population is undateable?"
Jerry:
"Undateable!"
Elaine:
"Then how are all these people getting together?"
Jerry:
"Alcohol."
The Wink
George:
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
The Visa
Jerry:
"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing."
The Visa
Jerry:
"Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys."
The Andrea Doria
George:
"I think it moved."
The Note
Jerry:
"What street are you on?"
Kramer:
"I'm on First and First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!"
The Maid
George:
"When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy."
The Hot Tub
Jerry:
"Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die."
The Wizard
Jerry:
"If you named a kid Rasputin, do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?"
The Suicide
George:
"It's about nothing."
The Pitch
Jerry:
"Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?"
The Chicken Roaster
Jerry:
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."
The Shoes
Kramer:
"It's a write-off for them."
Jerry:
"How is it a write-off?"
Kramer:
"They just write it off."
Jerry:
"Write it off what?"
Kramer:
"Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
Jerry:
"You don't even know what a write-off is."
Kramer:
"Do you?"
Jerry:
"No, I don't."
Kramer:
"But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."
Jerry:
"I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back."
The Package
Jerry:
"Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death... which is not far off by the way."
The Shower Head
Frank Costanza:
"Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
The Rye
Newman:
"Hear me, and hear me well. The day will come. Oh yes! Mark my words, Seinfeld. Your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down."
The Finale
George:
"Why would we want to help somebody? That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for."
The Finale
Jerry:
"Why would anybody want a friend?"
The Bizarro Jerry
Kramer:
"You know, Darren, if you had told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out this window."
The Voice
George:
"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
The Cafe
Lt. Bookman:
"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
The Library
George:
"We're living in a society!!"
The Chinese Restaurant
Jerry:
"Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs."
The Implant
George:
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
The Subway
Kramer:
"My personal acting technique is working with color. Imagining, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you see that all my lines have a special color. So, I don't memorize language, I memorize colors. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue, and you have a full palette of emotions."
The Trip
Jerry:
"Are you Master of your Domain?"
George:
"I am King of the County. You?"
Jerry:
"Lord of the Manor."
Elaine:
"I'm Queen of the castle!"
The Contest
Jerry:
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
The Outing
George:
"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
The Outing
Jerry:
"I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker."
The Airport
George:
"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
The Engagement
Kramer:
"Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -- it's delicious!"
The Junior Mints
George:
"What kind of a person are you?"
Jerry:
"I think I'm pretty much like you -- only successful."
The Old Man
George:
"I feel like my old self again... Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure."
The Beard
George:
"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
The Beard
Jerry:
"Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
The Yada Yada
Newman:
"Let me be perfectly blunt. I don't care for you, Costanza. You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day laughing it up, wasting your lives."
The Calzone
Jerry:
"I miss the days when they made toys that could kill a kid."
The Seven
Elaine:
"A woman just walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on? She's a menace to society."
The Caddy
Frank Costanza:
"Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here... George is dead... Call me back."
The Caddy
Frank Costanza:
"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
Kramer:
"What happened to the doll?"
Frank Costanza:
"It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born... A Festivus for the rest of us!"
The Strike
George:
"You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist. You see, right now I have Relationship George. But there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with... Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George."
Jerry:
"I love that George."
George:
"Me too, and he's dying. If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand!"
The Pool Guy
Jerry:
"Ah, you're crazy."
Kramer:
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
Jerry:
"It's impossible!"
Kramer:
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
Jerry:
"It can't be."
Kramer:
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
Jerry:
"Alright, that's enough."
The Stall
Kramer:
"Hey, you know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables!"
The Cigar Store Indian
Kramer, George:
"These pretzels are making me thirsty."
The Alternate Side
Jerry:
"The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved."
The Dinner Party
Jerry:
"Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"
The Marine Biologist
George:
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
The Marine Biologist
George:
"Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar."
The Phone Message
George:
"Tippy toe! Tippy toe!"
The Phone Message
Elaine:
"He took it out."
The Stand-In