Favourite Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

[On difference between men and women] I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it on your upper-thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!
[On milk's expiration date] How do they know that that is the definite exact day? You know they don't say like it's in the vicinity, give or take, roughly, they brand it right in the side of the cart! That's your God damn day right there! Oh don't screw with us, we know what day is the final day! and then it is sooo over. Maybe cows tip them off when they are milking them? "July third"...
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
Kids don't want other kids to wait, they must wait up. Wait uup! When you're little life is up, you're growing up, everything is up! Wait up, hold up, shut up! Mom I'll clean up! Let me stay uuup! Parents of course are just the opposite. Calm down! Slow down! Come down here, sit down, put that down! You are grounded. Keep it down in there.
Dating is not easy, sex is not easy. Women have 2 types of orgasms: the actual one and the one that they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it.
Why is McDonald's still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 gillion... Is anyone really impressed anymore? Oh 89 billion sold... alright, i'll have one, i'm satisfied... Who cares? I would love to meet the chairman of the board and just say to him: "Look, we all get it! You've sold a lot of hamburgers, whatever the number is. Just put up a sign: McDonald's - We are doing very well." We are tired of hearing about every God damn one of them. What is their ultimate goal? To have cows just surrendering voluntarily or something? Showing up at the door: "We like to turn outselves in, we see the sign, we realize we have very little chance out there. We would like to be a Happy Meal, if that is at all possible.".